a smile in the sky

Ephemeral pheremones...

position entranced
burgeoning a mask of faith
a side step two sway
anger deals the cards
and the joker laughs

something full and white
negative grace
circle me and drown out the positrons
draw me into your black hole so I know of the depths

satisfied mind flushed with endorphins
sinking into the washing tub
steam and wringing towels around wet hair
pale toes, a delicate endeavor
to begin anew

grasping tight and giving up
the step forward delayed as you silence your desire
by mimicking the master plan
fulfilled and unanswerable
but always in the right
you guide me

beckoning night
show me mercy

garnet

snow and black rock
showing sparseness and boldness in equal measure
how does the trumpeting blankness of color divide the territorial blackness of the soul?
fated breaths blow and scatter the ice crystal sands.
Even as they are soft weighted footprints,
they are no more welcoming to my hands with their impartial temperatures
than the haphazardly hewn and jutting blunders formed by hardships.
At times it is darkness that offers more transparency to my view.

Yet it is in the vacant lightness of air and water (even slowly as their elements are moving) that I find my malleability.
it is child's play to turn a white landscape holy.
borrowing wings and the ethereal glow needed to transcend this earth
snow and black rock exist neutral to my questioning
and if that is Zen Mind I Seek It.
polarized between the sinking depths of pure and frigid realizations
and the surface level of a rudimentary and sharply discovered ignorance

tsunami

My heart is poisoned with a drip line of
hate
this questionable string of truths
heavy as weighted sand bags on the
ankles of a swimmer in the deep ocean
careening with the tide
a bauble
at the mercy of the Sea God
proud and dangerous with his
trident- ready to strike at knee jerk reflex

the cyclone prepares its own
tsunami

rough throat of passion unspoken
my injured mind vibrates a disruptive symphony
deafening, weakening, stomach churning

Dare I take the reins again?
Barely keeping the stitches in my
heart from busting open
sleep in peaceful gardens is a distant hope,
rumbling across the ragged pavement of violent deconstruction

For Aphrodite- the sensual lover

I want to forgive myself for deeds done
selfish confusing hurtful indulgent

I seem to be sending out love in multi-directions
to one man devoted
to another who behaves selfishly as I do

add in the allure of motherhood
these babies of young women
the neediness, the responsibility, the beauty, the miracle

how could I celebrate that now
when my life is at the helm?
waiting for direction
waiting for the signal to follow the path of contentment
and growth-without a soul fracturing

I carry my heart in my hands
a beautiful dark crystal
I carry myself only
I ask forgiveness
I ask for peace.

departure

his love a ship with sails full of momentum force and brass
he journeys into the sun without pause
my fingers once deeply wound in his thick hair must let go
watch the memories slip away, into the torrential ocean
into the unknown, unforeseen,
into god's hands

my lungs fill with the salted air of tears, longing, and perplexity
why is the fullness of the moon no comfort, nor the steadiness of the ground
beneath my feet?

the tempo of his heartbeat was my compass and with his departure
arrives a dizzying sickness,
deprived of magnetic balance to alter the spinning of each day's rotations
which way is up?
when I breathe at times I am compressed, as if underwater

his love is sailing with a steadied hand and a golden hue
and I look on from the pier surrounded in white, blankness
not lost in the black of mourning but almost as somber,
stripped of color, desire, and movement

I am in stillness, an observer of
the procession of dominos collapsing day by day, minute by minute
viscerally aware of the demolition of each tender hope
the silent procession a full extension of the many dreams that were born
and are now being decimated

his love a ship with bellowing strong wind speed
hurrying him to safety, to the attendance of sea-gods and the absence of humanity
to the depths of the past buried and the present in command, a stronghold,
locked doors and treasure kept secret- away from greedy hearts
ever preserved and long lasting is his immunity

his love is a direction, a departure
my heart, the potential energy from which his fuel was gathered and now
ready sprung, full forward,
all hands on deck he sails

all dreams a memorium
to honor and leave behind

masterpiece

will of the self
wholley blessed
blessed by holy saint hands
blessed by the sunshine and warmth of love in friends
blessed to realize there is so much left to realize
entanglements enrich life
but the line can choke even the purest of intentions
and until someone musters the strength
to use the healing sword and cut free
the two are breathing in the same space
a beautiful place
bubbling restlessness
not unlike the ocean heaves
the knots in the sailwind
the knots in the deep belly
unwind a bit with solitude
but only increase yearnings to belong to something
eternal
something i can hold and not leave unfulfilled
to understand this journey i contemplate the masterpieces carefully
and you are one of them

blood stirs years past

The power of the living
I want to drink a tincture
smooth on a salve, a balm
form a concoction
I want to seduce
to call upon my senses
on a whim or a well studied endeavor

I intend to end any tantrum that tempts me
Invoking instrospective peace
calm in the eye of a storm
thats where you'll find me

shaking and banging the smiles of excitement
rapturous sunshine
clear bellowing breaths full
these are my exaltations
this is what will stir my blood

years ago

I work hard
I play soft
I entangle in moments
with a dance
often awkward are
my attempts to love
when I lean on a
shadow and I begin to tip over
you right me only to find
when you touch me
i'm electric
nauseous from feeling
the empty dark

when two become one
how sacred and massive
like a mountain
the power it takes to move
how violent
the earth quakes
when ground is split
how the heart spirits flee
and scatter
emerging later
doe eyed
almost ignorant of the damage

and yet sinful
innocence is a game
we play with ourselves, a hide and seek

only honesty frees from misery

jump start

my body attempts to remain unattended
skin softens and heartbeat steadies
each layer constricts to protect the rooted core
he touches me and then i disappear

his body attempts to shield a rhythm
in measures of approaches, descents, and departures
postures, a lingering over, primitive movement
i touch him and he melts, a hardened metal into liquid

our bodies attempt to believe a dialogue
dictated doctrine from the pages of
a manual: to Live in Totality
where our individualized dreams are encoded

it is the touching of opposite wires,
which sparks, melts vision, and disappears

clan

I have landed

the clan woman of a singular tribe

I sit by the fire and command its slow burn

I am calm

I don't mind waiting

while I wait I breathe, I live

I store myself blankly in silence

in the resting place of gathered 

potential energy

reserves building like the sprout of a 

seed before bursting

my hair grows day by day

my eyes glow in the night

like the watchful owl I am serene

this new purpose aligned with

Spring

I have answered a call

from God by rising to stand

with blessings

cafes and love lust

The taste of bitterness
in the palm of my hand
lead me on into the slow ingestion
of sharp energy

red stop sign up ahead- in a blur
lead me on past all boundaries in the state
of existence

tremors in a singsong voice
to caress and careen the ear
sweet nothings- you save my
attention in this moment only

congratulations
my sun is rising on helium
compressed moments in the
chest, lungs, compressed
possibilities all giving way
to expansion when the cork pops

but I shall not launch anymore

I am a tethered balloon
meek smiles
bobbing politeness
not afraid of heights and
not in need of foreign breezes
just a steady gentle caress
a whisper wind of
love in my ear

for the sake of elation
I float on

to make love and be without

such animalist desires
my body screams and tantrums for his vibration
His skin, His lips

we criminalized our bodies against an ancient law
beyond rational control
and I tremble to obey the resulting sentence

my strength grips and frustrates at emptiness
my stomach rolls, searching for him in vision, nearness
my body searches all day long
my heart prays through the unmoving night
for His smell, His texture
the shape of his chest against my ear
a warm beating river

this lack of music is deadening my spirit

so many times i imprinted his chemical patterns
i have become a cleverly crafted
immaculately locked safe-box
cutting me off from all other body thieves
only he will set the unlock in motion
his fingerprints, his delicate tongue saying my name


this predator's trap was set so beautifully
and how crushed I am in its grip
so much pressure it feels invisible, nonexistant
yet no one will see me move

they tell me time releases all prisoners from their shackles
and what happens to the self-imposed? they must choose freedom
but it's in this prison- in the darkness, in the corners
where hardness greets dead-ends-
that i have him safely kept without distraction
he awaits me in delta waves
and the dream comes full circle
to see him is so satisfying even in false
instant dreams

and yes, we pressed ourselves together
inside out
so many times
so many times
just enough times to make himself a home
in the deepest places- in every beautiful fiber
he has bent my genetic coding to remember him
and carry him with me

it must be time to tend to him -
again!
the ticking of my atrial valves
so anxious without my lover's touch
strung out on love's elixir
I pray like a junkie for my next {near fatal} vital fix

chocolat

stirred dark beans crushed molded melted and transcended
into an elixir
an alchemous treasure for the spirit

essence rich round
and steady forward finishing
like dark lace, splashes of earth,
sweet, heavy, top notes of spice, wood, and fruit

dripping into a pottery mug
fat dark raindrops
promising adventure, inquisitive heartbeats
stirring fingers of fate

tasting the raw
pearls of the pod
gather your lessons
each day to renew yourself

free spirit
gnosis
gifts of heaven and earth

esperanza
the healing fire
in the solar plexus
sustenance comes in many forms

gracias mi amore

one day at a time

my stomach is round and full of misunderstanding
the concept of sustenance, inner misgivings
shrimp and bruschetta, riesling,
handed over by a metal man, reflecting only surface polish

heart pounding, legs swollen with new demands, new striations
movement and anger, growth in each step, in each push forward
bright colors, primary used to move you into momentum
i am flushed, rotated, my blood has been recycled

amused by Muse, their Map of the Problematique,
probably mapped out for the tick tock of time and shattering glass
when the grandfather clock demands the next second to be fulfilld
problems bending time: the map is missing


gift of the endrocrines
exhausted sedated body
full day, full night
wake up with tight string, tight bands, steel ropes
to loosen with love one more time
one day at a time
one life at a time

how to survive a broken heart

cry like a wounded creep
moan like a sheik
move like a whirling dervish
stagger cause you're drunk on sorrow
cover your face as you hide from the infliction

find someone who loves you and release your sobs
hard on their shoulder
clasp them as if they are your savior
open the wound a bit to show them your reality
cry uncontrolled unrelentless until you are unwound

breathe of their consolations
hear your angel's guidance
carry on, carry on, the mantra of a broken heart
blessed be, your heart still beats, even when its ragged torn

a single day a single minute tortured bound alone
how to survive a broken heart until the dream is sewn

the sun will rise but at first you won't notice
the blankets cling for warmth and the belly aches for food
you will cry and cry
as that piece of you dies
the existence of two no longer moves
but is awaiting its grave
the burying ritual a momentous task for someone
whose heartbeat is temporarily weakened
atlas returned to one pair of shoulders
alas
the death of two
the rebirth of one
resurrected again
carry on carry on
and survive your inner tempest

I'm on fire

extraordinary overwhelming energy
seeming futile
but with rewards
at a patient pace

fruition

I feel like my body is burning in sync
there is fuel, sustenance
there is inner radiance
steadying temperance
steady dear sails
windfull and grand with beautiful poise
what luck awaits the well prepared

discovering warmth in winter, there was stillness yet so much wind
neighboring lands felt a circular swell, a passing shadow
movement from high to low
pressures build and rise up the chain in my
snake's chambers
he curls himself around my waist
holds strong
looks me in the eye and hovers
glittering emeralds
drops diamonds on my neck
to save the world in compressed carbon
energy fixated and simmering
a power ready to exalt with will
ready to exalt with will

randomness

there's a howling in the factory yard
there's a howling in my head

Darkness falls and I am alone in the galaxy staring into worldly space
An infinity lies beyond my fingertips
empty space blood and ashes time burning

I contemplate love and the existence of the emotional heart
presence and connection

I am forming a vision. It forms in myriads. It seems not possible.

My brain stutters and leaps forward daily. I entertain such foolish thoughts. Thoughts of marriage, children, laughter, healthy love, a balancing act. A balancing beam, I didn't sign up to be a fucking gymnast. but somewhere the paper is signed in blood, spirit matter.

Reflections, the grande mirror, the grande barre, the ballet dance
masculinity confounds me

aloysius

I feel frayed and electric
mumbling sparks
rough around the edges

i feel exposed , my wires clipped and stripped
of protective coating
raw, capsized
bordering hallucinations of grandeur

I feel momentum in timelessness

decisions that continue to be made for me
the flow of reproduction
patterns, behavior, sharp words, vile things, parasitic thoughts

hollow hallowed ground
alone empty different, labelled as difficult

consumption of mass romances
consumption of the love in food, friends, pets, lovers, family

seeking to be filled as a whole humanity we hunger

the duties in unconditional love are penitance for transgression